Featuring Trent and Dieter
“Have you seen this?”
I stalked into my apartment, waving around the latest body issue of some stupid sports magazine. Yes, the magazine was the top-selling sports magazine in the world but that was neither here nor there. Obviously stupid cows staffed it because, uh, hello! Why was I not in the yearly body issue?! Dieter looked up from some book about some hockey person he’d been reading.
“I mean, really. Can you imagine?!”
“Babe, I’m not sure what’s got you so upset,” my man said, closing his book, and tossing it to the coffee table. “But I’m sure they’re just stupid cows.”
I folded my arms over my chest. Did I say that out loud? Or had he just heard it so many times that he now knew what I was thinking? Oh that was kind of sweet. But no, I was angry now and I wanted a good flounce.
“They are stupid cows! Stupid damn cows with no taste in firm backsides!” I tore off my coat and threw it over the arm of the sofa. “I have a marvelous ass. Look at it.” I spun to show him, patting my tight little buttock to make sure his gaze was where it should be, right on my red leather-clad cheek. “This ass is much nicer than Adam’s, isn’t it?”
“It’s a delectable ass. I’ve never seen Adam’s ass, so I can’t compare babe.”
“Really?! Oh. My. God. Even my own paramour is against me!” My snit was progressing nicely if I did say so myself. I threw the offending magazine at him. “Well there it is, in all its flat glory! Compare away! I’m going to go drown myself in a bubble bath!”
I stormed off, my goal the bathtub. I did stop along the way to grab a bottle of dandelion wine from the fridge, because I had to get drunk and then drown myself in lilac-scented bubbles to wash the horror of being overlooked for Adam away. Adam. Pfft. He wishes his ass was as tight as mine, the miserable sow.
I stripped and filled the tub, bubbles flowing nearly over the sides. Easing my ass – which is so much firmer than Adam’s – into the hot water, I sat back and took a long swig of dandelion wine. After taking several sips which emptied the bottle nearly all the way, the door to the bathroom opened and my boyfriend slipped into the steamy room.
“Adam’s ass is nothing in comparison to yours.”
I sniffed then took another swill of wine. “You’re just saying that to make me feel better. My ass has gotten as wide as a jumbo jet since I stopped skating professionally. No one even remembers me now. I’m a washed-up queen of a skater,” I moaned then hiccupped.
Dieter stood looking down at me for several long seconds, then shucked off his jeans and stepped into the bathtub. Water and bubbles rolled over the sides, wetting the plush plum carpeting. I started bitching but he silenced me with a kiss that made me feel even worse because it was fiery hot and filled with love.
“I’m a miserable homo,” I gasped, crying now. Dieter gathered me up, slick and wet and covered with bubbles, and settled me on his lap, my butt nestled perfectly on his thick thighs.
“You’ve got the most beautiful ass in the world,” he cooed, using his hand to push my bright pink hair from my face. I made a rude sound as I sniffled and cried tiny little tears. “You know what you have that’s even more amazing and stunning then your ass?”
“Okay, well, yeah, but other than that.”
He sighed, his big hand resting on my soapy cheek.
“Yes, that too, but I was going to say that your heart is the most amazing thing about you.”
I gazed into his lovely eyes. “Go on,” I purred.
“Well, I mean, sure, tight asses are nice but when we’re eighty our asses will be saggy and wrinkled.”
“No, my ass will never be wrinkled.” I cuddled into him tightly, soapy water splashing up to soak his whiskery chin.
He chuckled. “Okay, well, all of us but you will have saggy asses. But your heart will always be bright and shiny.”
“That was terribly sweet.” I wiggled around a bit until I was straddling him. His gaze was growing hotter by the second. “Thank you for making me feel better. I don’t know how you put up with a dramatic bitch like me.”
“If I ride you like a wild mustang here in the tub will you tell me my ass is better than what’s his name?”
I huffed. He sniggered. I rode him like a wild mustang despite his flippancy.