Featuring Stan, Erik & the Family
“I am much excited!” I looked up from my computer to my sweet sister Galina, who was seated across from me with Noah on her lap. She was making funny faces at my son while Mama was teaching Erik how to roll piroshki, yummy dumplings filled with meat and cheese, for dinner. “I have new friend who is prince. Sadly he has many hard times, so I am sending him money to help him out from bad times.”
“Babe,” my beloved said, looking over his shoulder, his nose dusted with flour making him look much cuter like sexy bug. “Where did you meet this new prince who needs money?”
“He finds me in the email. I have many good friends in emailing. One is sending me amazing machine to make my penis bigger. Do not translate that to Mama,” I told Galina when Mama asked what we talk about.
“Stan, babe, you’re not really talking to these people, are you?” Erik turned from the dinner, his face worried.
“They could be spam,” Galina added, bouncing Noah up and down as he clapped and called out ‘Da!’ while looking at the dogs sleeping on floor.
“But this is good! We like spam. Many times we fry it for making with eggs. It is most delicious, and I see on TV show it will be safe for eating for many years when filling shelves on fallout shelter.”
Erik left Mama to the piroshki, wiped his hands on a towel, and came over to sit down beside me, gently pulling the laptop toward him while smiling in that way he smiles when I have done a big dumb but am not sure of what big dumb I have done.
“That’s a different spam,” Galina offered, setting Noah to the floor so he could wobble around the kitchen, using the chairs for balancing as he practiced his walking. “Arvy likes that spam too. We’re talking about bad people sending fake things to you online and trying to make you buy them.”
“So magic penis pump will not make my penis bigger?”
“You don’t need that,” Erik whispered in my ear which made me feel much pride in my manliness. “See this prince from Nigeria isn’t a real prince. He’s trying to get you to send him money.”
“Yes, I know, I am not making dumb much now.” I folded my arms over my chest. The dogs lifted their heads at my tone. I blew them kisses so they knew my tone was for Erik, who also wore a sad face, so I blew kiss to him too. “He needs money to help poor people in his African country. It is hot there, and lions eat much people. Cheetahs too. Is not fun like Simba the future king’s Africa.”
Erik inhaled then let the breath out slowly. “Okay, lets come at this from a different angle. Remember that email you got a couple of days ago, from some guy saying he could see you doodling your dingle when you visited porn sites?”
“That is lie!” I barked because Mama was in the room. “I visit no porn sites ever unless with my loved man.” I said that loudly and in Russian.
Erik went pale, Galina snorted, and Mama’s shoulders shook as she laughed to herself.
“See, the point is,” Erik quickly hurried us past that point, “that all of this stuff is bad spam. Not the good spam that you like to fry up and put on toast with an egg. This is nasty people trying to rip off unsuspecting and incredibly kind people, like you.”
“Ah, so new prince friend is not true friend?” Galina and Erik both shook their heads. Noah sat down among the dogs, his face cleaned instantly by dog tongues as soon as his tiny rump hit the floor. “This is sad for me hearing. Okay, then I am now understanding much good. No sending money to other people on internet. Should I make bank stop check to lady at adult shop where we buy new vibrating prostate ticklers?”
My sister laughed so hard she got a massive hiccup case and had to drink four glasses of water.
Erik’s face grew red as a bowl of borscht. “Uh, no, those are fine,” he mumbled before leaving the kitchen for a long, long time.